i wear boots that were made for walkin'

And that's just what I used them for.


After spending what seemed like ages but was actually only days, I walked out of a place my gut nicely told me I didn't need to go. My listening skills are getting better, but I seem to have a knack for wanting to prove myself wrong. (Why would I ever want to prove myself wrong when I could easily prove myself right and get a morale boost from the correctness?)

I went to help out a youth hostel in a very beautiful place in Bulgaria. As cool as the project is (turning an old schoolhouse into a hostel) and as much as I love plastering (really and truly), I walked into the place and immediately knew it wasn't for me.

Perhaps the place was, but the people weren't.

It was the sort of situation where all participants aren't on the same page. I just wasn't in the same mental space as them. And it was a mental space I didn't care to travel to inhabit.

There are a couple of English gals there that I will miss having laughs with- in the evenings when we're tired... in the afternoon when we've inhaled too much plaster dust even through our face masks... They tried to teach me how to speak in an English accent. Turns out, you can only move your jaw (no smiling!) and it really helps if you just pretend to be the priest from The Princess Bride... I tried to help them speak more "American" (luckily, they like my accent AND my politeness) and was going to bake them their first pumpkin pie soon (I had success with my apple pie the other night).

We had planned cool things to do: Carmella Speaks in "English" for a Day... Butter run to town... Crochet Hat Class... And our antics were hilarious, plaster fumes or not: D dancing like a baby camel at feeding time... mustaches on face masks... L reading the name of some obscure British musician off a piece of paper I'm holding up next to the head of the guy demanding she know who they are (I stole who he was playing from the computer that was out of her sight)...

But, alas. I'm not as big a fan of second-hand smoke as I thought I was nor being stuck when I could use my boots for walking.

So, walking is what I did. Out the door and into town. Escorted by the two sweet but sadly mangy dogs from the hostel until I hitched the rest of the way.

And now I am sitting happily and sleepily, for the second night in a row, in Little America in Kardjali, Bulgaria with an American/Bulgarian family that I think I have just adopted as my own.


I love this life.

watch this film (please)

Shaun and I just watched "Milk," a film by Gus Van Sant about Harvey Milk, the first publicly gay elected official.



Watch it. I promise you won't regret it.

b-b-b-back on it!

The hiatus is ending shortly.

Back in Bulgaria- the country that I landed in four months ago. Back to some friends from home and from my first couple weeks. Back to a place that has a decent internet connection. Back to a place where there is more than just brown and white food. Back to listening to Beyonce.


Oh, and how I do like Beyonce.
Seriously.

I love this I love this I love this I LOVE THIS!

Dear Universe,

I want to go someplace loving, warm and vibrant. I want to learn a beautiful language and dance my little ass off. I want to go somewhere I can just love being myself. And I'm up to taking reccomendations.

So, Universe, could you please help me out?

Thanks for your consideration.

Love always,
Carm

Regarding Proposition 8 and other Legislation

Dear Friends,

I would like to pass along a blog post regarding Proposition 8 which bans the recognition of same-sex marriages in California (a measure that was previously decided on by the California State Surpreme Court).

http://lifeatversailles.blogspot.com/2008/11/change-will-keep-coming.html

While Proposition 8 passed in California, Arkansas voters approved a measure banning unmarried couples from adopting children or being foster parents, and ban-gay-marriage amendments passed in both Arizona and Florida.

I would appreciate it if you could please set aside some time today to read the blog listed above.  It explains not only the very basics of Proposition 8 and who supported it, but also how it affects our Queer Identifying community.  I've read it several times and come to varying conclusions.

One of which is that I should head the author and Harvey Milk's advice.

You may already know that I am a queer identifying, bisexual female.  For those of you who are learning this for the first time, I am truly sorry that you are reading this off a computer screen and not hearing it from me in person.  My apologies.  I tend to believe that any 'coming out' from me should be done in person for the discussions that naturally follow.  Unfortunately, seeing as how I am currently abroad, these face to face interactions aren't going to get to happen anytime soon.  So, for the mean time, email will have to do.  Please feel free to contact me if there is anything at all you would like to discuss.  :)

Sexuality noted, it is obvious that Proposition 8 affects me in some ways, but how I am affected daily by people's perception of my sexuality (and consequently Proposition 8 and other Legislation) is too important for me not to share.

I live in two worlds and no worlds all at once.  I either fit in everywhere or I fit in nowhere.  It seems a bit Dr. Seussian in philosophy at times, but it is how I feel.

If I were to pick a community, I would say that I am a part of the Queer Community.  But I feel like I reside in two worlds:  The Straight World and The Gay World.  For the most part, individuals in both accept me, but my acceptance into these communities are not without limitations.

I am currently in a relationship with a man.  When we go out together it is easily assumed that I am straight because he is a man and I am a woman.  I am therefore accepted into the Straight Wold.  But it is false acceptance... presumed acceptance.  If people don't already know me and my sexual identity and they meet me for the first time when I am with my boyfriend, it is easy to assume that I am not queer.  Thus, my acceptance is and feels false because I know that people presume that I date only men.

I am also a part of the Gay World but for some queer identifying people, I'm 'not quite gay enough.'  It seems ridiculous to say, but there are times when I am with people from the queer community and I can tell they feel or believe this... That I don't understand what they go through because I'm not 'completely gay' and that I still get hetero privileges because I date members of the opposite sex.

And to an extent, they're right.  I do get some hetero privileges because I appear straight, especially when I am out with my boyfriend.  But when I do receive these privileges, they are under false pretenses. They often quickly fade once my true sexual identity is learned.  

And they are definitely right: I don't understand what it is like to be them.  I will only ever know what it is like to be me.  The me that is a queer identifying female who often feels like she does not belong to either club.

The first time I heard Ani Di Franco's song 'In or Out,' I about died.  Someone(!), somewhere(!) was able to eloquently verbalize everything I felt about struggling between two communities and put it into a kick ass song.  I *wasn't* crazy.  And I wasn't the only person who had ever felt this way.  I played it on 'repeat' for hours.  It was the first time in my queer identifying life that I felt sane.  If you have the time, please listen to it.

I know that there are straight and gay people alike (in my life and elsewhere) who do not fit my above experiences with community.  But these two examples have overwhelmingly been my experience, even with some of my close friends.  It's not intentional, I understand that and I love my friends because I know it's not meant to cause harm.  But I do think that it denotes a certain amount of misunderstanding and after reading the blog listed above, I feel that it is important that the people in my life hear from me how I am affected daily by the way the world views my sexuality.  It's easy to forget about it, but it's important that you know.

Because I *am* affected daily.


Proposition 8 will affects me whether I reside in California or not.  All of the above mentioned Legislation affects me personally and affects me through my gay and lesbian friends.

Sure, I have a fifty percent chance of getting married if current Legislation never changes.  Sure.  I mean, if I'm presently in love with a man, why am I concerned?

Because why should I be so privileged to get to marry the person I love just because he is a man and I am a woman?  If gays are banned from marrying because of Proposition 8 and other Legislation, it stands to reason that I should be banned from marrying because I am queer identifying, too.  Right?

But then again, since when does love make mistakes?

I love myself and I wouldn't change who I am for the world.  And I really care about my boyfriend.  And I know that if he and I should decide to marry in the future, it wouldn't be without a far amount of heart-break for me, knowing it was only possible for us because he is a man and I am a woman.  Not just because we are two adults in a loving committed relationship.


Thank you for reading.
And thanks Anna, for reminding me to speak up.

Love always,
Carm.

this one is for Patty

As promised, Poo on a Shelf



I VOTED today! You should, too.




Also, tonight is my last night in Gösing. I'm moving on to 'Cloud-town,' Austria! I'll tell the birds you said, 'hello!'